Tourists

Tourism is one of Ireland’s main industries. Expect to meet visitors from all over the world on any trip to Dublin.

Ireland is a place where it’s OK for folks to be social and outgoing. People will converse at bus stops, comment loudly in taxi ranks, and chat good lookin’ things up in the pubs. So it is OK to say hi to someone and ask directions or whatnot. But remember: every foreigner is an ambassador for their country. And some of us are living here permanently with the impressions you leave. So watch it.

This one couple actually stopped my bird once, told her "Oh you look so Irish!" and took her picture. Carmel was nice and smiled, but believe me, every single one of our friends heard about it.

In order to make yourself and future tourists more welcome, I have compiled a short list of...

"Dublin Do’s and Don’ts."

• Leave the limegreen super-wide stretch pants at home. Bring your blue or black jeans instead.

• Don’t go preaching any opinions regarding the North. There’s more to the IRA than Jack Higgins puts in his spy novels. (Jack Higgins sucks, anyway, except for The Eagle Has Landed. Leave him at home, too, and pay a visit to Eason’s to browse for some local reading. Colin Bateman, just as a for-instance, will blow your mind!)

• Do keep your eyes open. Ask questions. See sights. Learn something.

• It’s OK to be proud of any Irish roots you may have, but don’t go spouting off about them. "OH! You’re a Murphy! My great-great-great grandmother from Chicago was a Murphy! She was born in Cork! Do you know her?" (another actual conversation.) And please, PLEASE, leave the "Kiss Me I’m Irish" shirt at home.

• Language is typically more salty on this side of the Atlantic. Don’t be offended if your conversation with some Dub suddenly contains a fair few words that begin with F or S or B. Just take it in stride.

• Do order Budweiser or Miller if you want. Sane people will be looking at you funny because you have lousy non-Guinness taste in beer, not because you’re American. Sadly, I must report that tons of Irish folk now drink skank beers like Bud. But not Harp. Harp’s like Foster’s: no one drinks it in the place it’s supposedly from.

• Men never order half-pints of beer. Sometimes a lady will go for just a glass, but never, never a man. Trust me: you will receive some strange looks.

• Bartenders are not tipped in Ireland. The lounge staff who circulate fetching drinks appreciate the odd pound or so, but do not tip at the bar.

• In the pub, groups buy drinks in rounds. One fellow will buy five pints, then the next fellow gets for the gang, and so on. I suggest making sure you’re among the first to get your group’s round: anyone even suspected of freeloading is soon unwelcome.

• After all that beer, remember this: Fir is Irish for "Men" and Mna is Irish for women!!

• If you’re renting a car: There is no Right-Turn-On-Red in Ireland. You must wait for the light to change. And remember, it’s actually Left-Turn-On-Red. They drive on the left here.

• Finally, do enjoy yourself! It’s easy enough in Dublin.

There are many good sources on the Web for accommodation, transportation, and so forth. On the Dublin Guide page there are a number of handy links, as well as my e-mail address. If you have any specific questions which you want a fellow Dumb F#&% American's opinion on, feel free to drop me a line. Ireland is the Land of a Thousand Welcomes: let mine be your first.

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