Guide Index Red words? Check the Dub Glossary!Webmaster's Note: Back by popular demand? Um, no. But here's another excellent Dublin-area eatery reviewed by that right pair of Dublin skangers. One word of warning: you'll more than likely need the glossary of Dub slang. Bon appetit!
Playful as a cloud, the lambkin calf tripped merrily across Ireland’s verdant hills, oh so very like a bonus number in a lotto machine! Bouncing straight behind tailed Ratboy.
Thirsted from its endeavors, the mirthful beastie turned to nuzzle his adoptive human playmate. Ratboy laughed aloud as the orphan cub sucked upon his wagging fingers.
Ratboy laid a smart kick into the young and teething pet. "Ah ye daft feckin’ eegit ya!"
"Stop petting that darling wee beastie!" Redzer let a roar out of her. "No matter how big its doe eyes, ya bleeding Ratso bastard, yiz won’t fool nobody into thinkin’ yer all cute an’ loveable! Yer still a skanger!"
"Baaaah!" wailed the accusatory lambkin.
Freeloading Supermodels. Visa Card of Dubius Ownership.
It was Spice and Rice night- that is, the night for the Spice & Rice Indian Restaurant/Take Away to come under the attentions of Redzer and Ratboy. Moozer (a supermodel like her older sister) wrestled the lamb into its usual corral, tha freeloading bitch.
"I swear, ya let slip one word about a hot Visa card an’ the whole world tinks they can scab offa ya!"
"Shup, Rat! As long as tha’ daft newspaper prints up articles, like tha’ last one, the expense account people ain’t gonna go grieffy on us!"
Ratboy knew better than to answer back. He lit up a John Player Blue chucked the waste match to the sodden turf. They took the Hiace van to west Lucan, parking beside the Tescos.
Restaurant Con Skewers. Unique Delicacy.
"Good evening! Table for three?" greeted the attentive Asian fellow behind the counter.
"Do yiz have any orders that- accidentally like- got called in, and would just be goin’ in the skip out back anyway? Me an’ Redzer, we got eight starvin’- oof!"
"Never ye mind me manservant, luv- a table for three will do just foine."
"Very well. Right this way. Has your party eaten Indian specialties before? I can make several recommendations-"
Ratboy swiftly reassured the host. "Ah I was only joking. We eat them curries for breckie, five days a week! Yih, we’re restaurant con-skewers yiz see."
"Very good sir. From tender Badgie to fiery Vindaloo, we can cook whatever suits your tastes!"
"Vindaloo, me bollocks! See these ratlike teeth? I use vindinloo as toothpaste!"
"Shup Ratso-" Redzer warned.
"Oh, very good! Spice and Rice is unique in this region, as we prepare a dish four times hotter than Vindaloo! It is called Paal."
"Yih- bring me one of them. Extra extra hot!"
"Ratboy-" warned Moozer.
"An’ two bottles of yer house plon- er, wine!"
Though the restaurant was no more than a standard shopfront beside the video shop, it was clear that care had been taken to make Spice & Rice as welcoming as possible. Gentle music played from a stereo system secreted among an impressive wine rack. From their vantage point in the window, it was even possible for Ratboy, Redzer and Moozer to see their food being expertly prepared in the kitchen.
No Responsibility. Perfect.
"Psst! Redzer!" hissed the fiery young skanger.
"Wha’, Moozer?"
"See tha’ sign above the kitchen door?"
"Yih?"
"It sez, The Management Takes No Responsibility For Articles Lost or Damaged on These Premises! Tha’ means if anything gets nicked in here, the staff don’t give a toss! No one can touch them, so they’re saying it’s open season! "
"Ah, Moozer, give it a rest-"
But Moozer had already swiped a badge off the coat of a teen at the next table. "Check tha’ out! It sez I’m PERFECT!"
"Yiz daft eegit, yer as thick as Ratso! Tha’ sez ‘Prefect’! It means yer a head-girl."
Satays-Faction. Chaos.
"I’m a Satay man," Ratboy interjected around a mouth of chicken. "They brought me out these skewer starters, fer some reason. They musta known, I need satays-faction! Gfaw, faaw! Fawwwwwwkkk-kkkk!"
Redzer smacked Ratboy on the back until he coughed out the lump of meat, and then thumped him for several minutes beyond. Taking advantage of the distraction, Moozer slipped several sets of cutlery, two nearby purses and a €50 note up her sleeve. "Rapid!" she exclaimed.
"Yih, the food’s come already! Oh, thank ye, luv!"
"Enjoy your dinners! But, be careful of that lamb Paal-"
(For details on the remainder of this restaurant review, please see page three, Firemen Strike Over Repeated Nuisance Calls, page five, Riot Breaks out in Popular Local Eatery, and page seven, Skanger Supermodel Sought in Thirty-Six Counts of Burglary.)
The Verdict:
Spice & Rice
Tescos Shopping Centre
Lucan
Co. Dublin
Tel: +353 1 6100859
Redzer sez: I’m not a big Indian fan—I wouldn’t go out for another big Indian sit-down anywhere, any time soon. Tha Spoice an’ Roice crowd are lovely though fer a take-away.
Ratboy sez: Ah Jaysus, me tongue’s gone! An’ me nose won’t stop running! Beer! Get me beer! Ah Jays that’s lovely. Manly. Spice an’ Rice, right. Yih, I’m ready to go again, ya feckin’ girlie. Ah Jays that’s good stuff.
Guide Index Red words? Check the Dub Glossary!