Embedded in America: Complete News Archives Volume 16
the Editors of The Onion
Three Rivers Press, 2005http://www.theonion.com/
Dear Onion Editors,
As a concerned Senior Citizen, I am writing to thank The Onion for that story "Cheney Vows to Attack US if Kerry Elected." None of the mainstream news sources- including that cowardly New York Times you are swift to associate yourselves with on the compendium's back cover- had the gumption to present such shocking news. "It would be a tragedy to suffer another attack on American soil, let alone one perpetrated by an enemy as well-organized and well-equipped as I am." If I had known Cheney said that, I never would have cast my vote for the straight Republican ticket. That Cheney! He's a big poop.
Our Secretary of Defence is no better, I see. I refer to your article of 18-14 March 2004, "Rumsfeld Hosts No-Holds-Barred Martial Arts Tournament at Remote Island Fortress." Finding the world's best soldiers is certainly an admirable task for the Secretary of Defence, but why does he have to sit on an onyx throne and dress like a Mandarin emperor? At taxpayers expense, no doubt, my dear departed husband JR would point out. Rumsfeld looks much friendlier when accepting his card and chocolates in your feature "Rumsfeld Looking Forward to Secretary's Day."
You have probably gathered by now that Ruella provided a copy of Embedded in America: Complete News Archives Volume 16 for under my Christmas tree this year. Fake trees are not as nice as real ones, but I can't so easy bend down to sweep up all the dead needles anymore. Anyway I have been shocked to see so many major political news items somehow slipped past me in 2003 and 2004.
Also noteworthy is your front-page item from 22-28 April 2004, "Woman Looks Great for a 32-Year-Old." This is the type of news that ordinary folk comment on and share with one another, but is too often bypassed by the mainstream media. Thank you for giving articles like this and "Children Wait Patiently for Heavily Fortified Tree House to be Attacked" and "Substitute Teacher Totally Freaks" the attention they deserve. I particularly identified with 26 February's "Pregnant Woman Acting Like No One Ever Got Pregnant Before." Aren't there just some neighbours you'd like to slap!
You may be interested to know that my grandson Kyle agreed after I showed him the photo, the 32-year-old woman DOES look great.
I applaud the way that you have given regular columns to ordinary locals. You were being silly when on 20-26 November 2003 you featured "I Have to Admit, I love the Nuts" by Danny the Squirrel. Squirrels can't type and I wish they would stay off of my dang roof. Can you also carry Dear Abby as well?
When is the script you excerpted in the news item "Erotic-Horror Screenplay Discovered on Office Printer" going to be available? I have been a fan of Romanian vampires since the great Bella Legosi years ago, so I am curious to see Lesbian vampires. Did your Onion reporters ever find out which office worker wrote the screenplay? I bet it was that one who kept denying it. Kyle says he will take me when it comes to our local movie theatre.
Thank you once again, Onion, for this collection of entertaining and informative articles. I have cancelled my subscription to our local Gumboro Democratic Union and vow to get all my news strictly from you. I have also taken your advice to heavily arm myself.
Sincerely yours,
Ruby Brunswickle
Sure you can read The Onion online for free, but you can't take it into the bathroom with you. This collection is highly recommended.
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