Critical Mick

Reviews Free of Rules.

Reviews by the Clown that All Other Critics Want to Strangle with a Black Turtleneck

Bad Men
John Connolly
Coronet Books, 2003

Down Among the Bad Men

Critical Mick, literary knowledge-seeking guy, interviews men-on-the-street to gauge other Average Joes' opinions on John Connolly's 2003 novel, Bad Men. The street chosen is Connolly's old stomping ground of Rialto / Fatima Mansions:

Malachy Quinn (46, Taximan/Ex-con)

The Fatima Mansions? You sure now you want me to drop you off there, mate, at this time of the night? Jaysus, man, you'd have to be hard bastard to walk into that Corporation estate at any time of day. A bastard as hard as the villains in Connolly's first stand-alone book- Bad Men. There's skangers in that novel who would skin ye alive.

The very opener, this mad yoke of a man is getting off to a supernatural dream where he's head of a raiding party. It's 1693, off de coast of Maine, and he's out to massacre every last man-jack a' his former neighbours. Moloch, this nutjob's name is. Slitting throats, musketballs splattering heads open. Raping the fanny off the wife who had escaped him. He wakes up, and thanks bleedin' fuck! This modern-day Moloch is locked up in jail in Virginia. Jaysus, if this psycho ever gets out…!

Speaking of getting out, GET OUT ME FUCKING CAB! Change from your fifty euro note me arse. You dragged me new cab to an estate overrun with junkies, gougers and car thieves! Get out! Good luck to ye, ya stoopid fat-arse fuck!

Barry "Brick Shithouse" Shelton (38, Career Criminal)

The thing I liked about the book was that hard arse, Moloch, didn't have any more bother than me in getting out of de clink. Blam! Blam! Blam! And then Moloch chops out the tongue of the FBI man that didn't get his head ventilated. Yeah, turns out me boy Moloch has a whole gang of brassers who plan the break. He's soon free as the Summer Cruisin' CD that comes exclusively with this Sunday's newspaper.

Moloch was in de slammer because his bird, Marianne, played the tout on him then ran off with all of his hard-earned winnings. Tha dirty bitch! I know wha' that's like, too right! She's shitting it, hiding away under a changed name, right, on this same island wha' Moloch was dreaming of. This poor, desperate slag don't even know he's now got his whole gang sniffin' about an' trackin' her down. She's been shitting for all the years he's been inside, and it serves her right too, the back-stabbing cow. She's even scared of her own son, Danny, see, 'cause his DNA is half this evil Moloch guy.

Yih I know all about DNA! It's what banged me up on tha' last murder charge. But there was this FAS job training course inside Mountjoy, right. I'm now qualified for a rewarding new career as a newsagent. So you whip out one hundred euro an' buy this fecking newspaper, right! Or I'll give you the same treatment that Moloch's serial-killin' sidekick gave to tha' FBI man!!!

Ron Roberts (25, Telemarketer)

Quit beating on my door! Let you in? Who's chasing you down the lane? Ah, I see. well, you'd better just get in, see. Here, I'll throw all these bolts behind you. Don't mind as I just pocket this key here. There! Now, have you ever considered the benefits of switching yer mortgage to.... Am I willing to take this signed first-edition of Bad Men in exchange for letting you back out with Brick Shithouse and his mob? In a pig's eye! Ha ha, I've already read it! Whether you call it Dutch Island or by its seldom-spoken ancient name, Sanctuary, I've spent my time on that haunted isle. Connolly's journeying really deep into Stephen King territory of late. It's not just the Maine setting- sure, all Connolly's books mention that state, at least a bit- it's the combination of supernatural horror and human evil. Big gray moths that swarm about in January, when not a living thing should! Brr. Dead clear it was that they signalled some spooky ghouls were in the area. And what could be worse than being trapped by a pelting storm in a confined place with a creepy, soul-sucking dead child? Oh that's so, huh? Well, smart-arse, the bars on those windows have never bent before and I don't think they will for you either. So get back down here and sign over the deed on your house! And don't forget the optional payment insurance, ya stupid langer. The rates the crowd that I work for charge, you're sure to need it.

John Connolly at a Book Signing A brief spot of investigative journalism shows that telemarketing scumbag Ron Roberts flourished after scamming Critical Mick out of his rathole of a house. Ron moved to America and into the second-hand car industry, living a life of bowling, thievery and leisure. In April 2008, he fulfilled Critical Mick's eighth-fondest dream of posing for a photo with John Connolly. When asked fro a comment by this reporter, Roberts stole my wallet and sold my kidney on eBay for $75.00. HELL NO, JOP36_DENVER, I WILL NOT HAND OVER THE GOODS. That was never Ron's to sell! Truly, truly, a bad man.

Colin "Bowler" Boyne (29, Illicit Arms Supplier, Aspiring Heroin Pusher)

Shite, Mick, you're having a hell of a night. Robbed, chased, scammed and stranded in Fatima Mansions. Well, you know what brings me back up after I've had a miserable day?

HEROIN!

No money? No problem! The first spike's on me! Here, I'll even win your trust by listening wide-eyed while you ramble on about this Bad Men book. Wow! I feel us becoming best mates!

So this book is the gear that makes you happy? Pure entertainment, you say, very enjoyable? Ok I admit heroin doesn't have memorable anecdotes of lesbians exacting revenge.

But does Bad Men make the world slow down and shine? No? Is there deep spiritual meaning for your life in there? No? Can you mix the pages up with a shiteload of baking soda and earn wads of spondoolics selling Bad Men to your friends? No? And has any edgy rock star ever recorded a song immortalizing it? Ha! I don't know, mate, it's sounding like a nice shot of heroin beats your Connolly novel by a mile. You ready for that first score?

Maybe some testimonials from satisfied customers will help tip the balance. Why, Mary here loves heroin so much, she sawed off her little finger the time her last supply ran out.

Come back, Mick! Try it! You'll like it!

Detective Sergeant Diarmuid Starky (54, Garda Drugs Squad Officer)

Let go me leg! And shut your big mouth. Shut it! Bejaysus, you haven't given me a moment's peace since you started chasing the patrol car.

What would you be doing in Fatima Mansions at this time of night, eh now? There's bad men about.

Ach! That puts me in mind of local boy John Connolly. From Rialto, you see, not The Mansions proper. God no! I love his book about hard-man ex-copper Charlie Parker. Even that one where Parker only makes a cameo appearance, Bad Men, there's coppers in that who are mighty enough. There's a Portland rookie called Sharon Macy. Better yet, there's a mysterious giant guardian, seven or eight foot tall, called Melancholy Joe Dupree! Can this rookie and the rural freak save Marianne from a whole gang of murderin' skangers, especially if they don't even know the bad men are coming?

Ah! But the real star of Bad Men is Baron. Now there's a pro! A man who knows how to make the most of his situation. Shaking down the scumbags for drugs and cash and then playing the lawman when it suits. He's got the best of both worlds. Macy's mentor! And secretly connected to Moloch, too! Now he's the key to the whole game, to me at least. Baron kept me guessing, whose side is he going to come down on?

What? You didn't like crooked cop Baron due to his… personal tastes? You daft puke! You denim bastard! Straight after I pick up my weekly kickback from Bowler, it's off to Mountjoy Gaol with you! On suspicion of being a know-it-all! Now, shut your fat gob, ye whinging, critical, crap-joke-telling, crap-reviewing son of a bitch!

Critical Mick (36, Mountjoy Jailbird) concludes:

SEND HELP! I've read and re-read Bad Men to my five cellmates. The many colorful characters and full-on action have kept them entertained so far- thus I rank it among the Critical Mick's Best Books Read in 2007- but now I really, really need to pee! They don't even have toilets in this place!

This Bad Men review was written mainly while stuck in Dublin traffic.

Yo! This review and all content on the DFA Guide site are copyright 2007 Mick Halpin. All links to other sites and documents are copyright to whatever source wrote something cool enough for Mick to give it a referral. Try to claim them as your own work and bad karma will catch up with you, baby. Believe it.

Irate, huh? Managed to piss off another one? Direct your hatemail to mick @ mickhalpin dot com.

This Page Was Last Updated On 27 April, 2007.